


looking at the stars

by exasperatedmoron



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fifty Fics for Quarantine Challenge, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Mark is a really good friend, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Read, Stargazing, fluff at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:14:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23826676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exasperatedmoron/pseuds/exasperatedmoron
Summary: Mark's in the middle of editing a video when he realises Ethan isn't in the room with him anymore.Turns out, he was just looking at the stars.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor
Comments: 17
Kudos: 242





	looking at the stars

**Author's Note:**

> it gets real emo  
> note: the things i say here are things i think of myself and may have projected them onto ethan. irl, i think ethan is hella swell and amazing but for the fic aksks a lil hurt inside

Mark was deeply engrossed with editing the latest video for Unus Annus when Chica rubbed against his leg, giving him a slight scare since he did not hear her enter. He reached down to ruffle her fur and give her a kiss, watching her wag her tail clearly happy from the attention. Turning his head slightly, he saw the door ajar, which was probably how she got in. The man’s eyebrows furrowed and he swiveled his chair to ask Ethan if he closed the door, only to be greeted by an empty chair and an idle monitor.

Chica trotted away from Mark and jumped on Ethan’s chair, curling up in the spot Ethan was supposed to be. Mark kicked away from his desk to peer at the bathroom door and saw that the lights were off. Waiting a few seconds to listen for noise inside in case Ethan was inside, but left the lights off, Mark stood up to find his partner after realising Ethan was not there.

Making his way downstairs, he turned on the lights to avoid stepping on one of Chica or Henry’s toys. He found it weird that the lights were off. If Ethan was down there, the lights should be on or something. Especially since it was past midnight and it was dark.

Mark checked the living room, the kitchen and even the garage for Ethan but came up empty. He even went to the guest room and storage even though he strongly doubted Ethan would be there considering he didn’t need to. Not wanting to wake Amy, he did not call Ethan’s name out but went back upstairs to text him.

Back in his recording room, as he was going to grab his phone and text Ethan he spotted Ethan’s phone on the desk Ethan was seated at. Even more confused, Mark walked to the window to peak out, checking to see if Ethan’s car was there. It was. Ethan’s phone, car and even wallet was there, but the boy wasn’t.

Mark was starting to get worried but before he could wake Amy up, he decided to check the balcony. Mark and Amy rarely go there anymore and he would constantly remind himself to clean it up, but it was still pretty dirty and full of junk.

When he reached the sliding door, he released a sigh of relief he did not even know he was holding. There was a hooded figure, that could only be Ethan, looking out at the backyard. Mark slowly slid the door open, trying not to make any noise since Amy was a light sleeper and stepped in. He closed the door behind him and turned towards Ethan.

“Eth?”

Mark saw the younger man jolt and spin around.

“Hey… Sorry, I know I should be editing but-”

“Hey, no. It’s okay. We edited more than enough videos for the rest of the week. We can do the rest on Monday. You okay, man?”

Ethan sighed and turned back around to rest his arms and lean on the railing, pulling his sleeves up a little more. Mark saw it as a gesture to come closer, so he did. He stopped beside the young man and leaned on the railing, looking out at the backyard too.

The backyard was a mess from filming that day. In fact, Mark could still see the glow sticks in his jacuzzi as well as some of Chica and Henry's toys in the pool. A small smile formed on Mark’s face when he remembered him and Ethan running around with water guns and all three of their dogs chasing after them. It was a fun day. Even Mika came over for dinner and to pick up Spencer since Ethan would be staying late to edit. The fact that they all had a good time made Mark wonder why Ethan was out on the balcony in the middle of the night with something plaguing his mind.

“Why are you out here, Eth?”

“Hmm... Looking at the stars.”

Mark cocked an eyebrow and looked up. He doubted that that was what Ethan was doing. First of all, Ethan has been looking down most of the time and second of all, they stayed in an area that was too bright for them to be able to see the stars. Mark sighed and turned towards Ethan again, leaning his left arm on the railing.

“Really, Ethan. What’s wrong?”

Ethan glanced down even more and started fiddling with his sleeves. He was quiet for a few seconds, almost as if he was thinking of what to say or if he should even say it.

“Do you think I’m… a lot?”

“A lot?”

“Like… Just a lot. A Lot to handle, a lot to see, a lot to tolerate…”

“What brought this on?”

Mark saw Ethan breathe in deep and clutch his sleeves even tighter in a way that got Mark to worry a little more. Nevertheless, he waited and tried to keep the worry from showing.

“I’m just… I’m really loud- and annoying. Even off camera I say all these nonsense that annoys others. And my goddamn brain is just… not built like most people and it’s a huge pain in the ass. Some days I’m a sack of walking depression and some days I’m so damn hyper and intense. And I- I talk so much and ramble so much about bullshit and I go off tangent all the time. I can barely follow a conversation and I drag people down with me. I just… I don’t know how people even deal with me, I can barely deal with myself. I just go home and go to bed and think about the things I do and I… I just think I’m a lot.”

Mark was silent for a minute, processing everything Ethan just said. It was a lot to take in and honestly? It broke Mark’s heart. Before he addressed any of the things Ethan said, he wanted to ask him one more thing.

“Why… Why did you come to the balcony? With all these thoughts… Did you have… any other thoughts?”

Mark saw Ethan gulp and looked down in a way that his hood obscured most of his face. “I… No, to what you’re probably thinking. I mean… Honestly? Some days bad thoughts are there. But I used to do bad things in the past and act on those bad thoughts. Now, I don’t. I realised how stupid it was and how it never even helped, not even temporarily. It just sunk me in more. I never listen to them, but the whisper of those days would sometimes pop up in my head. But no, I’d never act on them. I just came here cause I wanted a quiet and dark place to think.”

Mark nodded and felt something uncoil in his chest. There was a lot on his mind but that was the main worry he had. He just needed to make sure Ethan was not in that kind of mindset. He couldn’t handle the outcome of it. Not again.

Mark saw Ethan tug on his sleeves and realised the younger man was back in his mind, running through his thoughts. “Ethan.”

Ethan’s face stayed the same. He looked like he was deep in thought. Mark called his name one more time and the younger man seemed to snap out of whatever he was thinking and turned his head slightly to look at Mark.

“You’re not a lot. Not in a way that’s more than other people. You’re not annoying or irritating or any of those things. Sure, sometimes you annoy me or the others and sometimes we annoy you too. But who doesn’t? And your brain… Yes, it’s built differently. But that doesn’t make you any lesser of a person that you are. Sure, words and numbers may be a weakness. But you’re extremely creative and funny. You think so far outside the box that your ideas are actually pretty unique and intelligent. You’re so much more than what you say. Your depression and ADD does not determine or bring down your worth. Also, being talkative and energetic is not a bad quality. I listen to you when you talk and I know the others do too because we’re interested in what you have to say. If you go off tangent, that’s fine. If you can’t follow a conversation and need us to repeat, that’s fine and we really don’t mind.”

By that point, there were tears slowly streaming out of Ethan’s eyes and the man was clearly trying to keep himself as composed as he can. Mark was probably on the verge of tears too from the amount of emotion there was on Ethan’s face. He took a breath and continued, looking at Ethan in a way that conveys that what he was about to say was important.

“Ethan, we love  _ you _ .  _ I _ love you. You’re not someone we ‘deal with’ or ‘tolerate’ and you  _ definitely _ don’t drag us down. You’re someone we want in our lives because of how much you matter to us. We love  _ you _ , loud and talkative with your ADHD and wild ideas that make us laugh. You are such an amazing person who has accomplished  _ so _ much and you’re not even 25 yet. It’s understandable to have moments like this when negative thoughts come in your head, but never listen to them. They’re false. You are not ‘a lot’. You’re perfect the way you are.”

Ethan let out one choked sob and immediately hid his head in his arms, finally crying and releasing out all the pent up emotion he had. Mark moved closer and rub Ethan’s back as his sobs racked though his body. Mark himself had a few more tears streaming down his face but he just wiped it off with his hand. It hurt to see one of his best friends go through something like that, but he knew Ethan would be okay. Ethan has openly talked about his therapy, his progress and how thankful he was for his friends for being a strong social support. There were just some bad days, like right then, when Mark’s reminded of how much Ethan feels and hurts inside.

Even when Ethan’s sobs died down, the two of them stood there for quite some time with Ethan’s head in his arms and Mark’s hand on his back. They stayed silent, with only the sounds of each other’s breathing and Ethan’s occasional sniffle filling the air.

Eventually, Ethan looked up. His eyes were red and so was the skin around it. His cheeks were tear stained but he looked less tense. The hurt and pain Mark saw from earlier was not present anymore. Mark smiled and moved his hand from Ethan’s back to the back of his head. He leaned forward to press a kiss on the top of Ethan’s head and pulled back.

“C’mon,” Mark patted Ethan’s shoulder, gesturing for Ethan to follow him. “We’re going somewhere.”

“Where?”

“You’ll see.”

Ethan followed Mark to the recording room where Chica was asleep on Ethan’s chair. They turned off the monitors, grabbed their phones, wallets and keys and headed out. Mark made sure to text Amy that they were heading out and to set the house alarm on on their way out.

The two made their way to Mark’s Tesla in silence. On the ride there, Ethan only asked where they were going once which Mark refused to answer. The drive was silent. Not even the radio was on, but they two felt comfortable as they kept their eye on the road and listened to the occasional car that would go past them at almost 3am.

After quite a long drive, they arrived at a park far away from where they both stayed. Mark parked the car and got out with Ethan following behind. He grabbed something from the trunk and made his way through the entrance. It was still very dark and there was barely any light but Ethan followed him anyway.

After 10 minutes of walking, Mark brought them to a hill to a patch of grass right at the top. He unfolded the object in his hands and Ethan recognized it as an old picnic mat they used in a video a long time ago. Mark placed it on the ground and sat down, tilting his head at Ethan to do the same.

Confused but interested, Ethan sat down beside Mark, scooting closer since it was pretty cold. They didn’t say anything for a while, instead they looked at the outline of the trees and at the skyline in the distance. Ethan finally broke the silence, his voice sounding like a yell compared to the deafening silence of the park.

“Why did you bring me here, Mark?”

Mark turned to look at him. In the moonlight, Ethan saw him smile then look up.

“Because here, you can see the stars.”

**Author's Note:**

> is this projection? it's 4am. absolutely.
> 
> some days i get really bad and today was one of those days i guess. but it's 4am so i should probably go and sleep.
> 
> drop a comment! tell me what you think of it. some feed bad (pos or neg im open to read them!) or even just drop a 'yeet' <3
> 
> (or say hi to me on tumblr @three-trainwrecks)
> 
> take care, stay safe and i love yall


End file.
